Friday, June 6, 2025
How
did you discipline you children?
This is a long story. We used a point chart, and I think it worked very
well. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it worked well for our family. I have been
asked by several people to describe our point system, so a few years ago I
wrote a brief summary. Rather than repeat what I wrote before, I will just copy
my summary here.
Points
to Perfection
The Atonement
and Disciplining a Child
Forward
I have been asked by many
friends and even some of my kids to describe the point system that we used to
discipline our children. I use the work “discipline” but it really wasn’t
discipline at all, but rather a method through which our kids could atone for
their own poor choices and correct behavior that brought them undesirable
consequences. The point system evolved over time, but finally settled into a
system that worked surprisingly well. I firmly believe that it made our
children better people, and I know that it prevented a lot of contention. I
share it here, but I leave it to you to decide if it is right for your family.
One Size Fits All
It didn’t take Lisa and
I long to figure out that there is no right way to discipline a child. Our
first child, Kira, would break down sobbing if I even raised my voice at her.
Then along comes Brandon who was her complete opposite. I would spank Brandon much
harder than I should have, and he would simply look me in the eye and say,
“that didn’t hurt”. Ben was a bit different than both Kira and Brandon. Ben was
a social butterfly. He lived to be with his friends so grounding him was tantamount
to sending him to a torture chamber. I quickly realized that every child had to
be handled uniquely and what worked with one would not necessarily work with
another.
Justice vs. Mercy
As our children grew,
our method of discipline had to change as well. When they were young it was
usually sufficient to send them on a “time out” or even a spanking, but that
had to change when they got older. Can you imagine trying to spank a 6’3”
football player? You had better have their respect long before they are bigger
than you are. The one method of discipline that seemed to work for some of the
kids was grounding them. I didn’t like grounding my kids, so I ended up
modifying the process.
I remember one time
when Ben broke some family rule (we had very few rules in our family) and we
told him that he was grounded. Shortly after he was grounded, he was invited to
go to a party with some of his friends. To my dismay the party ended up taking
place during the time he was supposed to be grounded. My heart sank, my
frustration with him breaking the rule was gone and I really wanted to let him
go to the party. I love to see my kids happy, and his friends were good kids so
I would have loved for him to be able to go to this party. The problem was that
I never make a threat unless I am willing to follow through on it. My kids
learned very early that if I made a threat, I would do what I said I would do.
If I didn’t follow through on my threats, then it wouldn’t take them long to
figure out that they could take advantage of that.
As I was trying to come
up with a way to let Ben go to his party and still follow through on my threat,
it dawned on me that even Heavenly Father allows us to repent from our
transgressions. I made a deal with Ben that if he completed a job in the home,
that I would consider that restitution for his transgression. I loved this new
approach. Ben suffered a consequence for his transgression, so justice was
served and I was still able to show him mercy and let him go to the party. On
top of all that, our closet got cleaned. This was far better than having him
mope around the house glaring at me all night. It was the first time that any
of my kids was grateful for a punishment. It made him happy, and it made me
happy. What more could you ask for?
Thus was born the point
system.
The Point System
Based on my success
with Ben’s party, I decided to implement this new plan for all the kids. If
they were doing something to disrupt the peace of our family, then I gave them
a “point”. As long as they had a point, they were automatically grounded and
could go nowhere except on family outings. They could easily get rid of the
point any time they wanted by performing twenty minutes of any approved
activity that would make our home a better place. To keep track of the points a
child had accumulated I drew up a chart that looked something like the one
shown below. Every time one of the kids had a point, I would put a mark in one
of the boxes next to their name. If they had worked off their point, Lisa or I
would initial over top of the mark.
|
Kira
|
•
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•
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•
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Brandon
|
I
|
I
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I
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I
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I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
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Ben
|
I
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I
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Alycia
|
I
|
I
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•
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Alex
|
•
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•
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I
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Sarah
|
I
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•
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•
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This method worked very
well. No longer did I have to worry about empty threats. All I had to do was tell
a disruptive child that if he didn’t stop what he was doing then I was going to
give him a point. He knew instantly what that meant. Before the point chart I
had to think carefully about what I said. I would say something like, “if you
don’t stop that then you’ll be sorry”. Or I would say, “if you boys keep
fighting then I’ll ground both of you”. And then there is the one that drives
me nuts. I’m going to count to three, one…two…I mean it, you will be in big
trouble…two and a half…you better stop it right now…two and three
quarters… You get the idea.
When I sat the kids
down to explain the point system to them, I went to great lengths to explain to
them that this wasn’t a system of punishment but rather a system of
consequences. It was entirely up to them if they were going to get a point or
not. I promised them that I would never give them a point without warning them
first so they would have a chance to decide for themselves if they wanted a
point or not. I also promised them that I would only warn them once and there
would be no additional warning. They just had to know that if they continued an
activity that they had been asked to stop, then there would be a consequence
for their choice. The choice was theirs.
Self Improvement
In its early days the
most common method of removing a point was hard labor. With six kids in the
house, there were plenty of opportunities to clean. Kids would do the dishes,
mow the lawns, vacuum the floors and even clean their own rooms. I hesitated to
reward them for doing a job they were expected to do anyway, but since they
weren’t very good at keeping their rooms clean I decided this was a behavior I
wanted to reward. I didn’t just let them work for twenty minutes and call that
good. I clearly defined the work that had to be done and if they worked hard,
it could be done in less than twenty minutes but if they dawdled it might take
them much longer. Of course, when they needed someone to check if their job was
done “good enough” they would always ask me to check it off because they liked
my definition of “good enough” a lot better than their mother’s definition of
what “good enough” was.
The opportunity to use
the point system to improve weaknesses in my children happened one night when
Lisa and I were going out for the night. Being the oldest child, the job of
babysitting when we had to go out usually fell to Kira. For some reason Kira
wasn’t available on this particular evening, so we left Brandon in charge. This
was not very well received since Brandon was apparently a mean babysitter. It
got so bad that in some cases we would leave Alycia (his younger sister) in
charge, even if Brandon was home, and we would threaten Brandon with points if
he didn’t obey her. It still didn’t work. On this occasion however we left
Brandon in charge and Sarah started crying. She hated it when Brandon was in charge,
and she begged us not to have him babysit because he was so mean. It broke my
heart to hear her so terrified of one of her siblings so I decided that I could
use the point chart to remedy this problem.
The next time that
Brandon needed to work off a point I told him that he had to play with Sarah
for twenty minutes. I told him he had to do whatever she wanted him to do and
that if she complained about him, then I would give him an extra point rather
than remove one. Well, Sarah decided that she wanted to play Barbie’s. What a
sight it was to watch my fifteen-year-old son playing Barbie’s with his little
sister. The surprising thing was that Brandon enjoyed himself (at least he
enjoyed it much more than cleaning out the closet) and every time he had a
point (which was often) he asked if he could play with Sarah. They would go
play in the park, play in the back yard, do nails and even have “sleep over’s”
(Sarah would sleep on Brandon’s bedroom floor). Within just a few weeks,
Brandon quickly went from being the hated brother to her favorite sibling.
This naturally spilled
over to the other kids. Ben was not terribly academic, and he especially hated
reading. We decided that he could work off points by reading for twenty
minutes. This really annoyed Brandon because he loved to read and it was “so unfair” that Ben could work off
points by reading but he couldn’t. We looked at each of our children and tried
to identify an area where they could improve themselves and we would come up
with an activity that would help them to improve upon this weakness. It was
wonderful. We literally turned their weaknesses into strengths, and it was all
disguised as discipline.
Misdemeanors
It didn’t take long for
us to see that some of our kids were racking up points much faster than others.
Kira was one of the easiest kids to
raise. She was obedient, rarely talked back and was an all around talented and
hard working kid. She almost never got points and yet she had a few annoying
bad habits that I thought she should work on.
One example of this was
her bad habit of leaving her personal possessions all over the house. She would
come in the front door and drop her backpack, a few feet down the hall and she
would then kick off her shoes, she would walk in the family room and throw her
jacket on the couch. One day after she was in bed I saw that her earrings were
on the fireplace mantel. It annoyed me enough that I about gave her a point but
twenty minutes of “hard labor” seemed excessive for a pair of earrings. I then
decided that if I could find five of her things lying around the house that I
would give her a point and it dawned on me that it would simpler and more
flexible if I created a dot.
A point was identified
with a vertical line on the point chart like this “I” and a dot was simply a
dot like this “•”. A dot by itself was
nothing, but once a child accumulated five dots’, then those five dots were equal
to a point. Now we had a way of discouraging minor misdemeanors without the
rather harsh consequence of a point. Kira quickly joined the other kids in a
program of involuntary self-improvement. She did not appreciate it, but we had
a lot fewer items of clothing left around the house.
Added Incentives
While the point chart
worked great for those kids who had an active social life, it wasn’t working as
well as I’d hoped for those kids who were quite content to just sit around the
house. Ben usually wanted to go and do something every weekend and so every
Friday he would come home from school and quickly work off any points he had
accumulated because he knew he wasn’t going anywhere if he had a point. In fact,
our point chart was so famous by this time that when the kid’s friends called
the house the first thing they wanted to know was how many points they had. Their
friends were getting mad at them for getting points and strongly encouraging
them to work the points off. It was working great except that Brandon was often
quite content to just let the points rack up. He had no great desire to go out
on the week end and was happy to sit around the house playing on the computer
or watching TV.
This was a problem because
he would build up a dozen or more points and then he would be invited out and
there was no way he could work off three or four hours of points in time to go
to his activity. I was back to where I started, wanting to break my own rules
so that my child could go to a movie with one of his friends. This was even
more important for Brandon because he didn’t spend as much time with his
friends as the other kids did and I wanted to encourage him to do more things
with them, not less. I decided that
there had to be additional incentives put in place to discourage the kids from
just letting the points build up. I figured that a kid would usually have time
to work off an hour and a half of points if they were invited out at the last minute,
so I chose five points as the trigger for additional restrictions. Once a kid
had accumulated five points then they were no longer allowed to watch TV or to
play on the computer. If the family was watching a movie together as a family activity,
then they were welcome to join us, but if another kid was watching a movie or a
TV show then they weren’t allowed in the family room. This worked like a charm.
Rarely did anyone accumulate more than five points.
Anecdotes
To give you some idea of how the
point system has worked in our family I thought it would be fun to share a few
of the many stories we have to tell.
I remember one time when Brandon
was talking back to his mother about something or other she finally got
frustrated and told him that he had a point. That only made Brandon even more upset,
and he continued to get louder and even more obnoxious. She then promptly told
him that he had another point which only served to make him even more obnoxious
and even louder. This resulted in yet a third point. This continued until
Brandon finally backed down at which point I think Brandon had chalked up about
a dozen points. He may have felt pretty defiant during the whole confrontation,
but he had plenty of time afterwards to think about whether it was worth it or
not. All I can say is that this was far better than what happened when this
same son as a five year showed his defiance by looking me in the eye and
telling me “that didn’t hurt”.
I remember another time when it
seemed that most of the kids had several points on the chart. It was the end of
the school year, and we went as a family to their seminary graduation at the
church. I believe that three of our kids were in seminary at the time and every
single one of them won an award for perfect seminary attendance for the year
and perfect scripture reading for the year. I was thrilled for them, and I was
very aware of the effort they had made to be up early and at their early
morning seminary every day that year. I wanted to reward them, so that evening
I sat them down and told them that we needed to talk. This usually wasn’t a
good thing, and they were quite confused about what I could possibly want to
talk about. They got even more concerned when I went and got the point chart
and a pen. I started out talking about how disappointed I was that so many of
them had so many points on the chart that needed to be worked off, but before
they could get too defensive, I cut them off and told them how thrilled I was
that they all earned the awards they did in seminary. I then told them that I
was giving them all amnesty, and I signed off every point on the chart. I think
it is important to reward good behavior, and what better behavior could any
parent ask for?